Our Final Days/Our Final Hours

I write that it was our final days, yet I did not know it would be our final days; and I did not know our final hours would come when they did. The nights were the hardest, as that seemed to be the time when she could not get comfortable or settle in. We would have "cookie time" and play with "tennie" (what we named the tennis ball she found). So each night, I would lay with her, give her cookies, roll the tennie at her, tell her that I was there, and try to keep her as comfortable as possible. Thursday night was the most difficult, she would give out frustrated cries and want to go outside; so we spent the night going in and out, trying to make her feel more comfortable. Around 6:00 AM she finally settled in, so I stayed with her, laying there in bed, letting her sleep, letting her rest.

When she was ready she got up, we walked to the kitchen and I noticed her back legs give out when she hit the kitchen floor. I caught her and helped her to the carpet and she seemed to steady herself. I made her breakfast, she ate it with great enjoyment, so my worry lessened, as everyone told me that she would stop eating when the end was near. We then proceeded with our normal routine, outside to be brushed on the deck, and then a quick game of Frisbee. On the first throw I noticed that although she wanted to play, her legs kept twisting under her. I said to her, "We might have to give up Frisbee Time, huh girl?" She sat down, but cried out for me to throw the Frisbee..so we played a game of her sitting and me throwing it to her. She seemed to enjoy herself.

We came inside, she seemed nervous about walking across the kitchen floor, so I helped her get to the carpet. She had a drink of water and then came and laid next to me while I settled in to work. During the day, she laid just outside the office door, where she could see me, but where she could stretch out. At lunch I made my lunch and she watched from her spot, not moving, which was unusual, but I don't think I thought it was odd. I brought her a bowl of milk and she got up and came into the office to have her milk. Again, I thought, she is ok, she is still eating and drinking. When she was done, she went back to her spot on the floor and slept.

At 3:30 she gave our a frustrated cry, which is usual for her when she needs to go to the bathroom. So I decided to take a break and take the pups outside and check the mail. Tasha was laying closest to the front door, so I decided to take them out that way. I opened the door and Skol went running out but Tasha did not. I walked through the door, out to the front porch, and looked back and she was just laying, looking at me. I called to her, coaxing her out, she got up and tried to walk towards me and hit the foyer floor and her legs gave out. I ran to her and helped her up, worried now, but helped her outside, down the stairs and into the yard. I thought once she was on the grass, her legs would get better. She tried to take a few steps and her back legs twisted and gave out and she fell to the ground. She got scared and got herself up and tried to make it back into the house. She made it back to the stairs, but when she attempted the stairs, her legs gave out again and she started to fall down the stairs. I ran to her and caught her, brought her into the house and put her on the couch. She laid there, ears back, scared.

I knew it was time, I knew she was suffering. I woke my husband and told him that she wasn't doing well. He came out and called him to her....she got up and went to him, but he saw her stumble and told her it was ok and to lay down. I called the vet, they agreed it was time and to come at 6:00. It was happening, she was going to go to sleep at 6:00, she would be out of pain. Until then, I laid on the floor with her and gave her all the love that I could.

At 5:30, we got ready to go. I did not seem real. Tasha fell as we made our way to the car. I helped her into the car, we go to the vet. It was supposed to be peaceful, it was supposed to be Tasha laying down to be comfortable; Kevin, Skol and I surrounding her, letting her know that she was loved. The reality: Tasha was nervous, kept trying to get up, but her legs wouldn't hold her. Skol was nervous and pacing. The vet shaved her front paw to put the needle in and Tasha got more nervous and cried out. I held her close, whispered to her how much I loved her and that she would be free of pain soon. The vet tried to put the needle in, Tasha's vein collapsed. The vet tried again, still no luck. She tried a third time, it did not work. I started to think this wasn't right, we made the wrong decision.

Tasha's nerves got worse. The vet tried the other paw; still no luck. I feel myself start to panic; are we making a mistake, but the vet explains that this is what happens towards the end. To remain calm for Tasha. The vet leaves and comes back with a sedative and gives it to Tasha. She says she will be back in five minutes, when it takes affect. Tasha begins to settle, she lays down, her tongue startes to come out of her mouth lazily, she puts her head down. She is calm now, I am holding her. The vet comes back, she puts a catheter in, this works, she administers the drugs. Tasha doesn't move, just becomes more relaxed, she doesn't move again. The vet listens for a heart beat, she tells us she is gone. I hold her tight and sob. My sweet girls is gone.

I sob and cry that I have killed my sweet girl, how could I have done this. I question everything that has just happened. My husband tries to comfort me, the vet explain it was the right thing to do. I am heart broken. Then I remember the poem dearest Julia sent to me that morning:

If it be I grow frail and weak,
And pain should wake me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle can’t be won.

You will be sad, I’ll understand,
Don’t let your grief then stay your hand,
For this day more than all the rest,
Your love and friendship stand the test.

We’ve had so many happy years,
What is to come will hold no fears,
You’ll not want me to suffer, so,
When the time comes, please let me go.

I know in time, you too will see,
It is a kindness you do me,
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering, I’ve been saved.

Do not grieve that it should be you,
Who has to decide this thing to do
We’ve been so close, we two, these years,
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.

It comforts me, helps me leave my sweet girl who's shell is laying there on the floor of the vet's office wrapped in the towel we brought to keep her warm. I say goodbye one last time and we leave.

Today and yesterday, I am grieving. I miss my dear girl and Skol misses his dear friend. We both walk the house expecting her to come out from a room and want to go play outside. She will not come, but we still wish for it to happen. I try now to hold on to the second poem Julia sent to me, the one that helps me through the tough moments during the day when my pain of missing her is so strong.

Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.

When I need to feel her, I go outside and feel the wind on my face and imagine that it is her running by, on four strong legs; no longer in pain, free from the cancer; at peace, happy. My sweet girl who only knew happiness even through cancer. I will love you my sweet girl, forever and a day!

As The End Draws Near

Tasha is starting to fail. The last week in May she started to have trouble going to the bathroom and we went to the vet to see what was wrong. It turns out that the drugs that we had her on to prevent the spread of cancer, had caused a blockage and was preventing her from being able to go. Both the holistic vet and our regular vet did an extensive exam and determined that not only did Tasha need to stop taking the drugs that we had her on, but also that her cancer had spread and there was a tumor that was growing inside her intestine, which was adding to the problem. They gave her only a few days to live.

I went home preparing to watch my sweet girl pass, but I also wanted to make it as comfortable as possible for her, so a new diet and a pain pills to avoid any discomfort were in our treatment plan. We received a miracle in that the diet seemed to bring Tasha some must needed relief and she became comfortable and full of new energy.

With this change in Tasha's health, we decided to make our originally planned trip to Connecticut to see my family. So I packed up a rented mini-van and we started on our way. My husband was not able to come with us, so he made sure to say his goodbyes to Tasha, as we were not sure she would make it back from the trip; then we started our journey.

















We spent the week with my family and Tasha seemed to really do well. She spent her days playing in the yard with her Buddy, playing Frisbee, and sleeping whenever she was tired. Our schedules were entirely for Tasha and how she was feeling.

Buddy was very protective of his girl and was always in the yard with her, or laying directly below her at the foot of the bed.





















































































Since returning from the trip, Tasha is tired and we are watching the signs that the vet said would happen. Her lymph nodes are affected, so her legs are swelling and require daily massage to keep them from causing her pain. As the days progress, we can see that her time is growing short and we watch for the signs when she tells us that she has had enough and she is ready to pass.

I am grateful for the time that we had on vacation and my husband was so thankful to see that Tasha made it home to him. We enjoy each moment with her and although we are sad to see that her time is drawing near, we know she has had a good life and she has been loved.

Life Moving On...Things Ever Changing

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. The pups and I made a trip out to Nebraska to see Sara (my step-daughter) graduate from high school. There are times when I look at the pups and think they are still young and not sick and then I remember that ten years have gone by since they came into my life; nothing sealed the passing time more than seeing Sara graduate. My thoughts of Sara are of this little girl who was shy, reserved, but always full of fun and excitement. On May 9th, I got to see her in a new light, as a woman starting the next phase of her life. She is strong, she is smart and she has the whole world ahead of her. I have moments of jealousy when I look at her, because there are parts of me that wish I could do it all over again; wondering what I would do differently, how it would change the life I lead now. The other moments are filled with hope and joy when I look at her, because I know that she can be anything; this is her moment to shine and I can't wait to watch it unfold.

As the time moves on and things continue to change, I still relish each and every moment that I have with the people and pups in my life. The pups are doing well, they enjoyed the trip and we got to spend and entire week just being together. I still worry each day as I look into their eyes; is this the day that you decide to leave, but I try to push those thoughts from my mind and focus the moment. In this moment we are doing well and we are enjoying the day.

Below are some pictures of our trip:

This is Sara at honor's night. she was being recognized for the achievement of receiving a Bronze metal for the score she obtained on her ACT test.







We rented an RV for the trip to Nebraska. Tasha loved the bed right by the window. She could enjoy the entire ride laying on the bed, watching out the window, or snoring the time away.




The pups also enjoyed finally getting to Nebraska and being able to hang out together in the hotel room.

























Sara, getting her diploma. I am not sure who is more excited, her or her Dad and I.

Living Happy...Even With Stress

When you have a loved one that is sick, you know how short and precious life is. But the day-to-day grind of life can wipe it from your mind. This list helps me stay focused on what is important each day and keeps my focus on what is important.

1. Upon arising in the morning, one must immediately say “My goal today is….”
2. Live with the 3 Es: Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
3. Play more games than last year.
4. Read more books than last year.
5. Look at the sky at least once a day, appreciating the majesty of the world that surrounds us.
6. Smile and laugh more often.
7. Make peace with your past, so as not to ruin your present.
8. Learn something new every day.
9. Work will not take care of us when we are sick. Our friends will. Stay in contact with them.
10. Each day, before going to sleep, say: I am thankful for _______________. Today, I succeeded in _____________________.

My friend gave birth to a happy, healthy baby on the 13th. I remember a time when she experienced a great tragedy and now she is experiencing a great joy. The cycle of life which is ever changing gives us strength during the challenges we face. I hold unto this each day, no matter what the future holds.

Things Still Going Well...

As of Easter Sunday, we celebrated four months since the diagnosis and prognosis of 4 to 6 weeks. We will take all the time that we can get!!!

Saturday was a beautiful day and Tasha took full advantage of it. See the picture below of her day of relaxing in the sun and periodic Frisbee playing.


We came in from the day of fresh air and Tasha was ready for some serious sleep. As you can see below, once she was out, she wasn't getting up until morning. Thank goodness Horton was up for a long sleep too (Horton is her stuffed elephant that grandma gave her)


Today, I am working from home while the pups relax and enjoy the day in the office with me.


Our trip to Nebraska is just two weeks away. We are looking forward to seeing how the pups react to an RV trip.

Well back to work for me and back to napping for the pups!

Playing Catch Up...

I have been given the riot act for not posting of our return and of being absent from the blogosphere lately and for that I apologize. Let me see if I can make it up by getting everyone up-to-date.

First, our trip was wonderful. We were able to spend time with my family and the pups were able to spend a whole week with Momma and everyone was very happy. Our memories of the trip are:

Monday: We woke to a surprise, there was snow on the ground! It was not a lot of snow, but it would have shut roads down in Atlanta!

We had a little trouble on Monday, it was the second day of our journey and we got lost in New Jersey for a bit. Even with the fact that we got lost, we enjoyed the trip together and we got to my parent's house around 7:00 PM and were welcomed with a wonderful Swedish meal of sausage and plenty of veggies to make up for my junk food diet along the way. The pups enjoyed seeing their Grandma and Grandpa and gave lots of kisses, but were ready for a long nights sleep. We unpacked and had a great night's sleep.

Tuesday: What a day. The pups got to spend the morning playing in the yard, being spoiled by Grandma with lots of boiled chicken and treats. Then we drove up to see my brother and had a wonderful lunch of fish stew and more treats for the pups. The best part of the day was when it started snowing and the pups and I went out and played with Ian in the snow. Ian also played a guitar solo while we were there, which was incredible. All in all, just a great day. And I got to drive home in a blizzard which brought back great memories of living in New England!




Wednesday: Today we rested and just relaxed. My Dad made a wonderful breakfast and then we watched TV and talked and just let the pups play and nap during the day. Tonight was the night for fish and chips for dinner. I can always count of my Dad to bring me food that I can't get easily while in Atlanta.

Thursday: Today was "Karen To Do List" Day. I spent the day repairing faucets, dusting walls and ceilings, fixing wiring, setting up computers and printers, and trying to repair paint and wallpaper issues. It was a long day, but my Dad made it relaxing at the end of the day by getting Friendly's for dinner and ordering a movie for the night. Between the delicious dinner, the great movie and the ice cream for desert the pups and I slept great this night. And the pups are such good helpers, they loved all the activity today, and really enjoyed the frisbee playing out in the yard.
Friday: Today was a day of organization, which was fun. We spent the day cleaning out the closet in the computer/guest room. I know it was difficult for my Mom to let go of things, but I hope that in the end she is happy that she now has a room to relax and work on her computer or simply relax and read. The pups certainly loved the new cleaned out room, they spent the day watching us clean by laying on the futon and sleeping all afternoon.

Saturday: We started our journey back. We left in the morning and drove to Roanoke, Virginia. It was a great hotel, we had a wonderful suite, but it was on the third floor, so it was quite an experience getting two pups and all the luggage up to the room before being able to settle in for the night. I will say that traveling on your own with pups is challenging when you are trying to keep the pups safe and happy, but also try to get all the work done of arriving and unpacking a vehicle.

Sunday: We made it home. Kevin was so excited to see us and the pups were so happy to be home. It is funny that pups are much the same as us when it comes to vacation - vacations are wonderful, but it is always good to be home too.

Getting back was a lot of work as well, we needed to unpack and I needed to start work the next day. We also heard back from all the tests that Tasha had before we left and we were sad to learn that her cancer is back already. So, again, the journey is to keep her as happy and as comfortable as possible and wait for her to tell us she has had enough.

It is safe to say that she is not ready to go anywhere yet. We had a snow storm here in Georgia, which allowed the pups to have another day of romping in the snow.



We are now planning for the next big trip. The pups and I are going to busy in May. Should Tasha be ok, we will be traveling to Nebraska to see Sara graduate, and to Connecticut to stay with my Dad while my Mom travels to Idaho for my Grandmother's 90th birthday party. In between, we will enjoy every moment and hope for the best.

Road Trip!!!!!

Tasha, Skol and I are on a road trip; we are heading to New England to visit my family. Today was the start of our journey, we drove from McDonough, GA to Staunton, VA. I have some great pictures of our trip so far:

Tasha wanted to make sure that no matter what, we remembered to bring her Frisbee with us. She wasn't going to take any chances, so she decided to bring it with her everywhere for the day before our trip started.

It took an hour this morning to figure out a way to get all the suitcases and boxes into the SUV rental and still allow Tasha and Skol to have the entire back of the vehicle to stretch out and sleep for the long drive.





We went from GA into South Carolina, then into North Carolina, and finally into Virgina for today. We are now stopped at the hotel for some much needed rest before we make the rest of our journey tomorrow.

Below are some cute shots of the pups in the car, during the drive:

They were both wide awake for the start of the trip. They wanted to make sure that they didn't miss a car or truck passing us.

Then Skol started to think that he might just start to fall asleep, if he could just get comfortable.

OHHH YEA THAT'S THE SPOT!

Finally Tasha puts her head down and tries to take a short nap.

I will post more pictures of the second half of our trip tomorrow. Thanks for all the well wishes today, they made the long ride fly right by!